Human skin, can be hard to live in; You'll feel better in the morning; Wash your hands in the lake; You've got a heart, someway.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Air
I wonder if its something in the air that we breathe. Like some tiny unseen molecules floating like an epidemic, wafting through when the wind blows and stagnates our skin, enters our bloodstream straight into our heart. Its this overwhelming epidemic of melancholy. Everyone I know has been feeling down in the dumps and out of sorts, without a reason why.
And I'm listening to "Reading in Bed" by Emily Haines. Obviously isn't helping, but it does shut the world out for a moment.
I feel horrible. I'm really sorry for being this way and I'll make it up to you.
What do you say When it's all gone away? Baby i didn't mean to hurt you Truth spoke in whispers will tear you apart No matter how hard you resist it It never rains when you want it to
You humble me Lord Humble me Lord I'm on my knees empty You humble me Lord You humble me Lord Please, please, please forgive me
When I was 5 or 6-ish, I used to open up an umbrella and sit underneath it with a backpack. It was my very own version of camping. I was afraid of dark spaces, and the monsters underneath my bed. But my mum told me my bed doesn't have the space for a monster to hide underneath and I was relieved. I watched Pocahontas everyday without fail, because I loved how pretty her black hair twirled and fanned all around her face when the wind blew. Watched it till the tape spoilt. Till now, I can memorize and recite every line to the movie.
I also believed that if you jumped high enough, you could grab the stars out of the skies and keep them in jars. I believed one day I would grab a million stars and save them in jars and that they would whisper to me the secret to their beauty.
We could talk all day About your eccentricities What I mean to say Oh, is that I need you listen please And focus on life's simplicities So don't be afraid to strip it away Cause at the end of the day It's still as simple as it seems
I think I like Katy Perry before "I Kissed a Girl." This scruffy-haired, dumpy oversized teeshirt non-too commercialised version of her appeals much more to me. And so does the music and the lyrics, with that evident rawness and straight-to-your-heart kind of honesty. Connects like a vein to your heart.
Sophie Kowalski: Don't say a word. Let me talk. You missed me? Because I missed you. You're a real tyrant. It's so hard to be mad at you. But don't kid yourself, I still am. I want to talk and forget the game, just for once. Like my dress? I hesitated. Nabbed it off my sister. She has another red one, like a thermonuclear bombshell... That's the one I should've worn. I must've spent... three hours in front of the mirror. But I got there, see? I'm pretty. You better like it, or I'll kill you!
No, wait... Where was I? The problem is, that... even if you said, "I love it," I wouldn't believe you. Julien, I no longer know when you're playing or not. I'm lost. Wait, I'm not finished. Tell me you love me. Tell me, because if I tell you first, I'm afraid you'll think it's a game. Save me... I beg of you.
2 songs that really make my day seem okay (: Los Campesinos are the love.
I really thank God for music sometimes. Happy music especially. These two songs just never fail to make me happy no matter how down-in-the-dumps I feel. Not that I'm feeling sad or anything now, just sort of listless and pensive recently. I don't know whether it was the fact that it was raining, or that my room was dark. Or that I had just woken up after a long afternoon nap. But I had these feelings that I haven't been having for a really long time. Not sure how it came about, and surprised at how easily it caught me, because suddenly I felt so much.
Its so easy to talk about how you would love to change yourself for the better. Forming a few sentences with your mouth saying how you're trying really seems so easy, when the words are just hanging in the air in its glorious aftermath. I try to be the best person I can, and sometimes I think I am good enough. But then again when I think about it, I'm far less greater than anyone else I know. Its that pride thing that gets to you.
Reflecting upon myself, and I see all these faults. The big ones, the small ones, the inbetweens. You can't change if you don't acknowledge. Sometime I feel one of my biggest faults is the fact that I am always giving in or compromising. I used to think that it wasn't a fault nor a glitch in my personality, after all I'm doing these to please people. But due to recent events, I would pretty much say that being compromising actually led situations to a worser turn. And I feel extremely horrible about it, like some filthy hypocrite. Like being nice to someone I dislike because no matter how much I dislike them, I still feel I should have the dignity to show them some respect for their feelings. But really deep down in my heart, I bear some sort of a dislike against them.
Maybe its because I love people too much to hurt them in their face, but in the long run I'm actually doing them a fault than anything else. So I really want to change this part of myself.
My whole life, I wished I was a loud and strong female. Those types who couldn't-care-less about whatever and confident in everything they do or say. But I know I'm just not loud or strong. I wasn't borned this way. I am quiet and I keep my nasty opinions to myself unless I REALLY feel its appropriate to say it. And I care about everything and anything I say because I'm not confident of what I portray of myself to others. I am insecure and small inside, but sometimes I act like I don't care.
So maybe I'm not very "garang". But I am who I am, and I strive to be the best person I can be. I just strive to be who I am, even if that makes me not as special or as interesting as others. Which honestly, being different is something that really doesn't matter to me. I would say that as long as you are true to yourself, and not follow what others want you to follow, you're the best you can be.
Side note. I can handle people saying I'm normal or uninteresting or not special. But I can't take it when people say I "go with the flow". I hate that phrase. I think that part would be pretty untrue to me. I'm trying to be me, not to blend in with the flow if you will. There's a stark difference.
I don't really know whats the point of this post, and how anticlimax it has been. Haha. But its just another one of those word vomit sessions I get once in a while.
Baroque killed me. It did. Taking only 12 hours to execute a 15 seconds clip, stylesheets, a moodboard and presentation slides... And to think the outcome sucked so much, it was like as if I did it in an hour or two. I guess when you're under pressure to finish something, you can't really get anything done. But, at least I tried to complete it though I really wanted to give up so many times. Thanks to Jed for keeping me sane and keeping me going. Hahaha.
Basically our project was a 15 seconds TV spot for Singapore Arts Festival 2009 along the theme of "Impossibly Baroque". This project's duration was actually 2 weeks. But the brief was changed at the end of the first week from "Spawning a lush cultural landscape" to "Impossibly Baroque". Meaning all the work we put in for the first week was scrapped and we had one week to come up with an entirely new concept, stylesheets, moodboard and a 15 second clip on Friday. And plus, it clashed with our Modern and Pop culture's assignment. So technically, I only had about 3 days to come up with a concept and execute.
I don't know how I did it. But I only came up with a concrete concept on wednesday, and on thursday I stayed up the whole night to execute everything. I think I rock. HAHAHA.
Anyway I didn't type all this out for nothing. I'm just pissed that some people don't believe I'm as busy as I say I am. Basically this kinda thing happens most of the time for my course, and there's nothing we can do or say about it. Because we know out in the industry, there would be much worse things that happen.
Its not that I don't want to go out with you, or don't want to go to church or don't want to spend time with you. I simply have, no time. I'm not the only person experiencing this in my course, I believe everyone of my coursemates understand what I'm saying.
I agree that yes, about 90% of the time I'm doing schoolwork, hanging with coursemates, talking about school instead of going out and having fun. I know, I have no life. But honestly speaking, its odd but I enjoy myself. Its the satisfaction of finishing something not mattering if its good or not. but as long as you put in some kind of effort to complete it.
I don't like being blamed for not turning up for this or that. I have no choice, time is not on my side. And even if I'm free, I would rather spend my time sleeping and nua-ing for the day. I'm human, you think all those late nights or nights that I don't even sleep and skipping meals to do work hasn't tired me out? Of course I'm tired. And I need sleep more than anything else, if not I'd surely burn out.
Its kind of difficult to make anyone who isn't in a design/commercial course understand. But all this I've said is true. I just hope people won't blame me anymore for not turning up for things.
I can't believe I spent the time editting photos when I could've been sleeping. LOL. But yeah, here are the photos from Jiaen's birthday party. These pics were from my cam only, there are plenty more. And yes, Firdaus is loved by us all. So we each took a turn taking pictures with him. LOL.
Had loadsa fun being the emcee. I still can't believe Xinyi and I made everyone say a line each about how awesome we are, during the "continue the story game". Still can't get over it. And also can't get over the fact that we basically just started the "trying to get them to laugh game" by laughing at absolutely nothing.
Oh and we also made everyone answer the question, "Who's the 3 most awesome people in the world?" before they can come in. LOL.
Us: So who's the 3 most awesome people in the world? *cherine, xinyi and I huddles together and smiles* Je's friend: Er. You, you and you. Xinyi: WHAT'S OUR NAME? Friend: *reads off our nametag* Er, Fifi, foofoo and.. er *tries to read cherine's tag, which is door bitch* Cherine: You say the B word and I'll slap you. Friend: Ok, door b.
HAHA.
lurbxz you jiemeixX! I think we good. SAH! *jie mei pose*
Somehow just every single time, I manage to fool myself and think that everything that was happening to me, was happening to you too. I choose to believe that you were just like me, just somehow different. I believed that I was the one living in reality whereas you were just probably denying everything just to piss me off or something. Realised the truth is just staring right at me in my face, and yet I hate to accept it. I want to keep holding on and believe that whatever you said to me were just lies. I refused to believe its only me feeling. Guess what boy, I know exactly what you think of me. I give in to people, because I'd rather see people happy than anything else. I'd rather I hurt a thousand times than it be anyone else. But at least I know how much I can give, and how I to stop. I'm not your nerves hard-as-steel kind of a girl. I don't shout out my opinions right in your face. And I do care what people think of me. I am imperfect and I embrace it.
No matter how much you say you don't care what people think about you, you always do. In some ways or other. This applies to everyone. Even you. So don't act all high and mighty, because you think you're different and that your opinions don't get easily swayed or whatever.
I know you think I'm too "normal". But aren't we all are? At least I'm trying to be who I am most of the time, and not conforming to being some other person so I would be so-called "different" from everyone else. Does being "different" elevate you to some high status up there, like some kind of royalty or whatever?
You know there are just some certain songs that will trigger an instant hurt when you start listening to them? Like, it could be a happy song but perhaps you were in a hurtful position when you listened to that song before to take your mind off things. Or maybe the song had no lyrics that were true to what you felt then, but the music or the tune were reminiscent of what happened back then. And so no matter how long past that hurtful event, whenever you listen to that song you just feel the same old emotions back again.
I remember 2 years ago when my grandmother was hospitalized, and we had that awful crucial 24 hours of waiting for the news of whether she could make it through the night or not. Oedipus by Regina Spektor was playing over and over again on my ipod, and listening to it now again literally takes me back to the hospital. I can smell that awful heavy pungent "hospital" smell, feel the leathery mustard yellow cushioned seats where I sat most of the time anxiously waiting for any news. I remember how that song made me feel.. Sort of a mixture of bitterness, drowsiness and calmness. The lyrics had nothing to do with what I was feeling, since the song was about some ancient Greek myth of the prince Oedipus being sexually acquainted with his mother (hahahahah). But Regina's voice was soft, lilting, daring and true. It was really "awful sad".
I spent the day sleeping and thinking. And thinking and sleeping. And tearing. I really hate feeling this fragile and shitty. I think I gave everyone quite a scare today when I just collapsed in class. Hahaha. I was pretty giddy already, and when Jed shook my head I sorta just let my body give in. And I literally sat on the floor to steady myself and then I cried. I'm not sure why I did that also. I hated myself for causing such a scene when I knew I could stop it, and perhaps just hang on for the day. But at that point of time, when I was like.. sick and tired and conflicted. I just wanted to cry. But then I felt so embarrassed. So I stood up and laughed. HAHA.
I don't know. I feel so sad that you don't even care you know? I know you know how I'm feeling, but you don't want to care. Why don't you want to care? I don't get it. Why are you still avoiding everything? You're making everything worse
It's like, I have been preparing for this upcoming loss since I knew it was impending. But when its so near already, you realise all the preparation you've done isn't going to make you feel any less shocked or any less.. I don't know. Prepared? More braced for it? Hearing the severity of it just makes me feel more lost inside. It's like a close to tears kind of thing already. But I do know that I am strong enough to overcome and oversee this. And I know God is always there. Always.
Its the only thing I can think of right now. Its professional finishing class right now and I can't concentrate. I went out of the classroom just now to the toilet. Thought I could give myself a good chance to cry and come back to fully concentrate on class. But I couldn't. It just isn't that easy is it?
All I know is that I have to be strong.
I must. (:
Its really times like these when you realise how much you take a person for granted. And how much you're gonna miss them when they're gone.
