My year in lists

2 songs that really make my day seem okay (: Los Campesinos are the love.

I really thank God for music sometimes. Happy music especially. These two songs just never fail to make me happy no matter how down-in-the-dumps I feel. Not that I'm feeling sad or anything now, just sort of listless and pensive recently. I don't know whether it was the fact that it was raining, or that my room was dark. Or that I had just woken up after a long afternoon nap. But I had these feelings that I haven't been having for a really long time. Not sure how it came about, and surprised at how easily it caught me, because suddenly I felt so much.

Its so easy to talk about how you would love to change yourself for the better. Forming a few sentences with your mouth saying how you're trying really seems so easy, when the words are just hanging in the air in its glorious aftermath. I try to be the best person I can, and sometimes I think I am good enough. But then again when I think about it, I'm far less greater than anyone else I know. Its that pride thing that gets to you.

Reflecting upon myself, and I see all these faults. The big ones, the small ones, the inbetweens. You can't change if you don't acknowledge. Sometime I feel one of my biggest faults is the fact that I am always giving in or compromising. I used to think that it wasn't a fault nor a glitch in my personality, after all I'm doing these to please people. But due to recent events, I would pretty much say that being compromising actually led situations to a worser turn. And I feel extremely horrible about it, like some filthy hypocrite. Like being nice to someone I dislike because no matter how much I dislike them, I still feel I should have the dignity to show them some respect for their feelings. But really deep down in my heart, I bear some sort of a dislike against them.

Maybe its because I love people too much to hurt them in their face, but in the long run I'm actually doing them a fault than anything else. So I really want to change this part of myself.

My whole life, I wished I was a loud and strong female. Those types who couldn't-care-less about whatever and confident in everything they do or say. But I know I'm just not loud or strong. I wasn't borned this way. I am quiet and I keep my nasty opinions to myself unless I REALLY feel its appropriate to say it. And I care about everything and anything I say because I'm not confident of what I portray of myself to others. I am insecure and small inside, but sometimes I act like I don't care.

So maybe I'm not very "garang". But I am who I am, and I strive to be the best person I can be. I just strive to be who I am, even if that makes me not as special or as interesting as others. Which honestly, being different is something that really doesn't matter to me. I would say that as long as you are true to yourself, and not follow what others want you to follow, you're the best you can be.

Side note. I can handle people saying I'm normal or uninteresting or not special. But I can't take it when people say I "go with the flow". I hate that phrase. I think that part would be pretty untrue to me. I'm trying to be me, not to blend in with the flow if you will. There's a stark difference.

I don't really know whats the point of this post, and how anticlimax it has been. Haha. But its just another one of those word vomit sessions I get once in a while.

Peace.