Let go

You know there are just some certain songs that will trigger an instant hurt when you start listening to them? Like, it could be a happy song but perhaps you were in a hurtful position when you listened to that song before to take your mind off things. Or maybe the song had no lyrics that were true to what you felt then, but the music or the tune were reminiscent of what happened back then. And so no matter how long past that hurtful event, whenever you listen to that song you just feel the same old emotions back again.

I remember 2 years ago when my grandmother was hospitalized, and we had that awful crucial 24 hours of waiting for the news of whether she could make it through the night or not. Oedipus by Regina Spektor was playing over and over again on my ipod, and listening to it now again literally takes me back to the hospital. I can smell that awful heavy pungent "hospital" smell, feel the leathery mustard yellow cushioned seats where I sat most of the time anxiously waiting for any news. I remember how that song made me feel.. Sort of a mixture of bitterness, drowsiness and calmness. The lyrics had nothing to do with what I was feeling, since the song was about some ancient Greek myth of the prince Oedipus being sexually acquainted with his mother (hahahahah). But Regina's voice was soft, lilting, daring and true. It was really "awful sad".

I spent the day sleeping and thinking. And thinking and sleeping. And tearing. I really hate feeling this fragile and shitty. I think I gave everyone quite a scare today when I just collapsed in class. Hahaha. I was pretty giddy already, and when Jed shook my head I sorta just let my body give in. And I literally sat on the floor to steady myself and then I cried. I'm not sure why I did that also. I hated myself for causing such a scene when I knew I could stop it, and perhaps just hang on for the day. But at that point of time, when I was like.. sick and tired and conflicted. I just wanted to cry. But then I felt so embarrassed. So I stood up and laughed. HAHA.

I don't know. I feel so sad that you don't even care you know? I know you know how I'm feeling, but you don't want to care. Why don't you want to care? I don't get it. Why are you still avoiding everything? You're making everything worse

Oh God, I need You.