Renewed

Here in my life- Hillsongs

I have never walked on water
Or felt the waves beneath my feet
At your word Lord, I received your
Faith to walk on oceans deep

And I remember how you found me
In the very same place
All my failings surely would have drowned me
Still you made a way

You are my freedom
Jesus you're the reason
I'm kneeling again at your throne
Where would I be without you
Here in my life....here in my life

You have said that all the heavens
Sing for joy at one who finds the
Way to freedom, truth of Jesus
Bought from death into his life

And I remember how you saw me
Through the eyes of your grace
And though the cost was your beloved for me
Still you made a way...



Lord, I'm holding on to you. You're the only one I can hold on to. Please lift me up in these times where I'm in need and I'm lacking in You. I'm hurting and I need You here in my life, yearning to feel Your closeness once more. I want to put my trust and my faith in You once again. I want to be reborn in You again, forgive my faults Lord. I no longer want to be conformed to this world but be renewed in Your name.

"I have been crucified with Christ; and I myself no longer live, but Christ lives in me." Galatians 2:20

Vomitting thoughts.

I really don't know what to blog about and how to start. And I don't know what exactly I'm feeling most of the time as well. Seems like I'm just living in this empty void of reclusiveness each day, watching life pass me by and feeling sad for missing moments. I feel old suddenly, like I'm aging whilst everything's happening and changing without me even realising it. Lost the ability to just sit down and write, and forget. I'm hesitating every step of the way.

School is good, I'm trying to do things that are meaningful each day. Reading up on art and culture, or maybe just going out to expand my horizons, I feel like I need to breathe in this world. Breathe in the sadness and the beauty of it, and just feel alive. I feel dead now. Exactly like a zombie.

I miss him. But I've been praying, and God seems to be telling me he's not someone to hold on to and wait on for. There's always someone better out there, isn't there? In any case, it just hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time. Feels kind of foolish to say so, but well. I think I'm getting in pretty deep, all the months of lecturing and trying to stop myself hasn't worked. Again, I'm willing to let myself be dragged down and be envelopped in this distastefully sweet misery again. Most of the time, I don't know what he wants. And I get angry about it. But then, maybe he doesn't know what he wants either. So I shouldn't be so unfair to him. Trying to stop myself from thinking too much only makes my heart wounds much worse, because all the more I'll think about it. I hate repeating myself over and over again, but I don't want to burden anyone. In fact, I don't want to feel anything. I just want to rip out my heart and tear out the part with your name on it, then put my heart back in its place again. I need to give you time, but time is slowly wasting away. And I'm afraid when something finally happens, I'd already decided to give up.

Seeking God desperately, I need to feel His closeness once more. I'm missing it. I cry because I feel so vulnerable and alone in this coldness, and I need to feel God's warmth surrounding me. Somehow, I'm just always lacking and nothing seems to be filling me.

I miss my grandma. I miss having long chats with her. I want to tell her I love her, and that I've been praying for her. For everything.

I feel alot of people I love are suddenly just leaving me, slowly. And there's nothing I can do about it.

You say too late to start, got your heart in a headlock,
I don't believe any of it.

All coming back once again, driving
Senses through. Painfully piercing, sadistically
Rewarding. Spilling coffee, biting lips.
I am unsure of it.
Are you?

My heart has not been just once but
Many times felt the hurt. I'm not caring
About pain anymore, I'm winding minutes
Back. To where it all came back then.
I feel unsure of it.
And you?

I'm not. I'm just. My heart.
Your records. Your songs.
My words. Your words.
Our world. I'm going back once more
To the pretty memories. Clenched fists.
I am still unsure of it.
Do you?

I'm quickly quickly hastily tearing.
My scheme is broken. My rhythm undone, physical
Pain exudes. Covering them all up doesn't
Seem to work. Letting your tongue hang out
Doesn't seem to work.
I want to forget this but remember you.
But I am unsure of it.
What about you?

I can't stop. No ending now. Just go ahead.
Dive in, feel the water rise up your lungs.
Its early suicide, sweet misery. Painless death.
I am going there, I am a heart made of steel.
I choose to recollect the outline of your face.
I chose to not remember rather than forget.
I am sure of it now.
You?

-Natasha Lim

Whole day dedicated to myself today (:

Been out so many times this week and the previous. Last weekend at the class chalet, which was super duper absogoddamnlutely fun. On Monday, woke up latelatelate and went for dinner with family, then walked around Punggol Park with Keren till latelatelate at night. Went to school on Tuesday to cover Shawna's OGL duties and checked up on the freshies, then followed Keren to dye her hair, came home latelatelate too. Stayed home on wednesday but kept sleeping and doing nothing unproductive. Yesterday was the trip down to Sentosa with Jodie, Chiyao, Keren and Ben and his friends. It was fun, but I still wanna go to Escape on Sunday!

So thus today was a "me" day.

And what did I do? Woke up at 11am, went online till 2pm. Decided to watch something soppy and have a good cry, so I watched The Notebook. Closed all the curtains in the living room till it was nice and dark, grabbed a bowl of grapes (the perfect healthy movie snack!), switched on the air-con and watched. Cried at some parts, but barely. Not really a new favourite movie, it was okay. I just felt everything was so fairy taled and unrealistically beautiful at some points. Just really unreal and I couldn't relate. Never experienced love as this beautiful thing before, having my heart being crushed too many times before. So much to the point where I don't know what to believe in anymore.

Anyway, after the movie I read a bit of Murakami's Dance dance dance for like the millionth time, then fell asleep to Aqualung's "Strange and beautiful" with my ipod plugged in my ears. His voice was soothing and soporific. Droning. And true. Fell asleep and dreamt barely of you, couldn't remember it when I awoke. But I knew it was something bittersweet and I awoke with a sad smile. I'm still sleepy, I didn't intend to sleep. But I did. And now I'm still sleepy. I need to go out and do something.

Exert myself and throw myself out there. I don't want to be reminded of everything. Love. This. Whirly-headed nonsensical feelings. Not sure what I'm getting into now. But I am bittersweet.

I find this freakishly true.


Get to know yourself better
http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx

Your view on yourself:

You are intelligent, honest and sweet. You are friendly to everybody and don't like conflict. Because you're so cheerful and fun people are naturally attracted to you and like to talk to you.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You are not looking merely for a girl/boyfriend - you are looking for your life partner. Perhaps you should be more open-minded about who you spend time with. The person you are looking for might hide their charm under their exterior. (so true)

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:

You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:

You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.

Who is your true self:

You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

I really really really love you girls. I don't know why, but I'm just missing everything we've been through in Secondary school. Lets eat hard roll again please??

I can't cry.

I don't know why, I can't. I'm just frozen. I feel so much sadness, but I teach myself to block these feelings out. It seems like I don't know how to unblock them anymore. I've lost the sensitivity to feelings. I feel like I've blocked too many things to the point where, I just lost the ability to cry over things I feel sad over anymore.

I want to feel again. I want to really cry, just to get rid of this burden. I want to feel sad then feel better. I don't want to smile and block anymore. Don't want to wear that mask anymore.

I can be a very good actress if I want to be. I even fool myself sometimes.

I like

Pretty imperfections, peeling off my nail polish after a week, hair twirling, FOOD, naturally mussed-up hair, kitten-like personalities, talking about nothing at all, talking about everything, not talking. When everything's quiet, when you lean towards me in the movies, sharing. Sharing sweets. Sharing love. Sharing broken heart stories. Smell of ice, smells of musky cleanliness. Decent boys. Bad boys. Craziness. Caffeine. Dramarama action. Soft voices. Lilting voices. Deep laughter. Eccentricities. Caramel Frappucinos. Whipped cream on top. Mysteries. Red nails. Colours. Psychedelic colours. Hippies. All you need is love-esque movies Sixties. Belanova. MUSIC. To like things. Rough hands engulfing yours. Satsifaction from completing a project that everybody thought was great. Telling myself to forget about you, but secretly still having you at the bottom bottom bottom pit of my mind. When you entertain me. When you don't entertain me. Sweet misery. A long overdue pee. French accents. French fries. Pseudonyms. Laughing at Dear Kelly's advice column. Long bus rides, ipod plugged to ears on a rainy day. Empty trains. Empty buses. Empty places. Empty skies. Emptiness. Dreaming of intimacy. Having your void filled. Answering questions that I don't know how to answer. Long talks over coffee. Long talks on the train. Contradiction. The Shins. Metrosexuals. Gay best friends. Feeling alive. Feeling loved. Boys who cry. Boys who are not afraid of admitting they cried. Boys who show courage by laughing at themselves first rather than at others. Teasing. Vanessa Carlton's "Ordinary Day". jeshderox.com. Photography. Photographing people in love. Romanticism. "we are for eachother: then; laugh, leaning back in my arms; for life's not a paragraph"- E.E Cummings. Your love for her, even if I can't make you love me. The fact that I want you even though you're not what I want. Not remembering rather than to forget. Love.