Vomitting thoughts.
I really don't know what to blog about and how to start. And I don't know what exactly I'm feeling most of the time as well. Seems like I'm just living in this empty void of reclusiveness each day, watching life pass me by and feeling sad for missing moments. I feel old suddenly, like I'm aging whilst everything's happening and changing without me even realising it. Lost the ability to just sit down and write, and forget. I'm hesitating every step of the way.
School is good, I'm trying to do things that are meaningful each day. Reading up on art and culture, or maybe just going out to expand my horizons, I feel like I need to breathe in this world. Breathe in the sadness and the beauty of it, and just feel alive. I feel dead now. Exactly like a zombie.
I miss him. But I've been praying, and God seems to be telling me he's not someone to hold on to and wait on for. There's always someone better out there, isn't there? In any case, it just hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time. Feels kind of foolish to say so, but well. I think I'm getting in pretty deep, all the months of lecturing and trying to stop myself hasn't worked. Again, I'm willing to let myself be dragged down and be envelopped in this distastefully sweet misery again. Most of the time, I don't know what he wants. And I get angry about it. But then, maybe he doesn't know what he wants either. So I shouldn't be so unfair to him. Trying to stop myself from thinking too much only makes my heart wounds much worse, because all the more I'll think about it. I hate repeating myself over and over again, but I don't want to burden anyone. In fact, I don't want to feel anything. I just want to rip out my heart and tear out the part with your name on it, then put my heart back in its place again. I need to give you time, but time is slowly wasting away. And I'm afraid when something finally happens, I'd already decided to give up.
Seeking God desperately, I need to feel His closeness once more. I'm missing it. I cry because I feel so vulnerable and alone in this coldness, and I need to feel God's warmth surrounding me. Somehow, I'm just always lacking and nothing seems to be filling me.
I miss my grandma. I miss having long chats with her. I want to tell her I love her, and that I've been praying for her. For everything.
I feel alot of people I love are suddenly just leaving me, slowly. And there's nothing I can do about it.
School is good, I'm trying to do things that are meaningful each day. Reading up on art and culture, or maybe just going out to expand my horizons, I feel like I need to breathe in this world. Breathe in the sadness and the beauty of it, and just feel alive. I feel dead now. Exactly like a zombie.
I miss him. But I've been praying, and God seems to be telling me he's not someone to hold on to and wait on for. There's always someone better out there, isn't there? In any case, it just hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time. Feels kind of foolish to say so, but well. I think I'm getting in pretty deep, all the months of lecturing and trying to stop myself hasn't worked. Again, I'm willing to let myself be dragged down and be envelopped in this distastefully sweet misery again. Most of the time, I don't know what he wants. And I get angry about it. But then, maybe he doesn't know what he wants either. So I shouldn't be so unfair to him. Trying to stop myself from thinking too much only makes my heart wounds much worse, because all the more I'll think about it. I hate repeating myself over and over again, but I don't want to burden anyone. In fact, I don't want to feel anything. I just want to rip out my heart and tear out the part with your name on it, then put my heart back in its place again. I need to give you time, but time is slowly wasting away. And I'm afraid when something finally happens, I'd already decided to give up.
Seeking God desperately, I need to feel His closeness once more. I'm missing it. I cry because I feel so vulnerable and alone in this coldness, and I need to feel God's warmth surrounding me. Somehow, I'm just always lacking and nothing seems to be filling me.
I miss my grandma. I miss having long chats with her. I want to tell her I love her, and that I've been praying for her. For everything.
I feel alot of people I love are suddenly just leaving me, slowly. And there's nothing I can do about it.
posted by Natasha at
8:48 PM
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