abandoning pretences

I didn't want to come back to this space. I feel so incredibly stupid to return to the 18 year old version of myself. The smart thing for me to do would be to walk away and never remember this again. I thought I'd learn my lesson. I thought I'd never go back to wanting this. I thought I was strong enough to be on my own.

I don't know.

What the actual shit.

In defense of Jani's parents, I'd like to say that being schizophrenic has an disadvantage because the symptoms are only portrayed as behavioural, thus difficult to diagnose. Nonetheless, it is a mental illness and a substantially serious one at that. It is also very clear that Jani does show all the concrete signs of schizophrenia even at such an early stage. In this case, Jani is unable to control the immense power of unlimited secreted dopamine released in her brain. Her neural impulses are not maintained, thus causing her to act outwardly in what society deemed as "bad behaviour". Spanking her would only cause more detrimental results, such as frequent antisocial activity and decreased contact with the real world. It is extremely insensitive to accuse Jani's parents of being failures when all they've done is to try to make their daughter's life a little bit better, when all they've done is try to engage her in the real world instead of allowing her to be locked up in her hallucinations.

Obviously your research Jani's life is less than satisfactory for you to make such assumptions. Her parents have continually mentioned that throughout her childhood, they regarded her "imaginary friends" as childplay, like you suggested. That Jani just was special and had an overactive imagination. But by 5 years old, the hallucinations induced traits of violence in this little girl and she was trying to kill her father and trying to kill herself and trying to hit her baby brother Bodhi. That right there contradicts your claim "That every human being has the right to behave in any way that does not harm others or break fair and just laws."

Jani's parents would not have put Jani on medication if she were not hurting people and hurting herself. Again, it is extremely selfish, ignorant and dense to make such erroneous statements. You are not the one who's living with a child who's battling with her brain. You are not aware of what Jani's parents go through, neither more than I do. But I can imagine the stress, having the two separate apartments they have to keep in order to separate Jani from Bodhi, lest she tries to kill him in his sleep. They have gone to the extent of keeping Jani's apartment safe with no cleaning supplies, no knives, nothing potentially dangerous. Both parents sleep in separate apartments to keep both children safe.

Can you even imagine what a strain that would put on their marriage? They've done so much for their daughter, to help curb her mind and you're calling them failures? To me, they're one of the bravest, most self sacrificing pair of parents I've ever met. If anything this is unconditional love at it's best.

You also claimed that "Growing up, Jani was told that something was wrong with her, so naturally she began to develop symptoms". That is too inconclusive a statement to make. Again, if you've earnestly done your research, you'd realise that in early home videos Jani's parents have said nothing negative to Jani. They have never "diagnosed" her with schizophrenia, nor have they ever presupposed anything negative on Jani. It was only after she turned 5 and became violent, and when she became so lost in her hallucinations without being able to differentiate between her real and imaginary world that brought some cause for Jani's parents to bring her to see a psychologist. If they had left her alone, what kind of parents would they have been? Jani only received her diagnosis at 5 years old, of having childhood schizophrenia. She was not told there was something wrong with her prior to being diagnosed.

I feel so much for Jani. I was awake for 3 nights, watching her videos and thinking about her and thinking about her family. I wish I could help but I know so little. But for people like her, for children like her, I will learn what I can and when I am a practicing psychologist... It is my desire to do what I can for them. Whatever I can, in whatever ways.

So please, stop the accusation of her parents. Pray for them, pray for their strength and that they'll be encouraged daily. We don't need more negativity in a situation already so critical.

It's late and I am up now, trying to be honest with myself. No, I don't know what to start with, neither do I know what are the words that are closest to what I know of what I feel. Simply put, a million things are running through my brain this moment. And I am exhausted but sleep isn't coming tonight.

Every thought pulses a need in me to run far away from here, you know, to get on my feet and run. I want something, somewhere, somehow. I'm not meant to be here. Not here. Anywhere but here. Not now. The lonelier I am, the more I hide my face in my hands to shut off everything else from this world.

I'm not telling you this so that you can teach me how to fix my life. I'm telling you this because I can't say anything to anyone right now without being seen as scared. And weak. And lonely. Just small and frail, incompetent and slow. Too slow, not enough for this world.

And yes, nights like these I crawl back into who I was, into that old shell that I tried to hard to break through before. Nights like these, so dark and so late. I'm stifling my yawns and staring into this blank screen, trying to put together what strength used to mean to me.

World, I have overcome you.

Some days I want so much and yearn so much. Somedays I am not adequate for the demands of the world. But when I am brought to my knees, I am pushed to pray and pushed to see Your face. You are my supply and the demands fall away, fade away piece by piece, shred by shred and wave by wave. I need no more, I am enough and I have overcome you, world.

Free

"We search for happiness everywhere, but we are like Tolstoy's fabled beggar who spent his life sitting on a pot of gold, under him the whole time. Your treasure--your perfection--is within you already. But to claim it, you must leave the buy commotion of the mind and abandon the desires of the ego and enter into the silence of the heart."
— Elizabeth Gilbert

Tell me it's nothing.

Haven't you seen me sleep walking
Cause I've been holding your hand
Haven't you noticed me drifting
Oh, let me tell you I am

Tell me it's nothing
Try to convince me
That I'm not drowning
Oh, let me tell you I am

Please, please tell me you know
I've got to let you go
I can't help falling
Out of love with you

Why I am feeling so guilty
Why I am holding my breath
Worry about everyone but me
I just keep losing myself

Tell me it's nothing
Try to convince me
That I'm not drowning
Oh let me tell you I am

Please, please tell me you know
I've got to let you go
I can't help falling
Out of love with you

Oh, won't you read my mind
Don't you make me like you
I hear
Please, Please tell me you know
I've got to let you go
I can't help falling
Out of love with you

Falling- The Civil Wars

.

The cursor is blinking. Like it’s mocking the singing
Voice muted beneath the crevice of this beating heart.
I’m not entirely alone, am I? Because it’s all You in a crowded
Yet empty room. In my crowded mind, in my empty words.
I’m trying, I guess. Unleashing the bluebird’s song it’s been
Dying; no living to sing in this lifeless dried up thing
Of a flesh that I call my soul.

Yeah, I’ve got my thoughts now, traveling like light. It’s
Existence heavy like the satchel of guilt I wear inside my
Ribcage. When will I learn to give this up? Do You know
How long this has been around, You know, just trying to
Savour the last of me. You know my laughter sounds strange
In this stillness, a little bit misplaced and wrong in such a situation.
The fact is, there have been too many times that I’ve tried
Veiling the ugliness by spitting pretty words in the direction
People are looking.

But. It. Only. Makes the satchel. Heavier.

Oh yes, I’m here now, so raw you could nearly smell the
Essence of my tender imperfections scratching just beneath
The veil now stained with the blood of my efforts.
Why do You love?
Hmm. Let me sit here to understand You.
Oh, why are You still here?
When I’ve only been drifting further out into the blue.
When I’m only trying to slip away from You.
And because when You know, You know. All of it.
The reason my mind strays to the emptiness and the meaninglessness
Of what this temporal dirt offers, because I’m afraid of facing
How soiled my feet are, they’ve been standing here for far too long.
Why do You keep calling me? Why do You keep loving me?
It makes it hard to run.

And yes, maybe okay. Okay maybe now. Yes, now, I will.

I’ll truly surrender, and give You this veil.

© Natasha Lim