Realisation
Heyheyheyyyy (:
Don't really know why I started a new blog. Well, have been wanting to start a new one since forever, but don't know which site to choose. Tried livejournal but it confused me so much, I thought I should just stick to blogger. Hahaha. Better than my old school diaryland blog. But! Diaryland is good okay! I still like it, but I just wanted some sort of change.
I believe in some ways I have changed too. This morning I just thought how startling it is, to actually be 18 this year. I still feel like I'm 16, like I just had my sweet sixteen. But slowly, I know and I feel myself morphing into someone new, yet still containing these same features that are inside of me. It's scary to think about life and how the world just spins so fast and you're this single being, on this plain ground. And you're moving on, whether you want to or not. I read some of the old stuff I've written in my journal and again it startles me to realise how much I've grown. And.. well yeah.
So lately I have just been thinking alot (no suprise there). I was just reading my late grand uncle's memorial book. All these testimonials and little bits and pieces of memories of him recorded by his relatives.. And there was one of which his daughter (my cousin) Joy, wrote something like, "When something permanent is removed, you realise that it was never permanent to begin with." It made my heart ache.
How sad, and how true. Everything in this world is too fast, too hurrying. When we're just little kids, we only see the world in this magical light.. Like how beautiful this world is, and we're just so willing to trust, and so easily vulnerable to everything that's happening. Growing up is like opening your eyes bigger, expanding your horizons to see more. And the things that you see, you hear and feel is just this overwhelming, accumulating loss. Things you thought were permanent are now nothing but disposable. And you see the ugly in the beauty, the cracks behind the clean white walls, the tiny seams in the curtains.
My other cousin Jenny wrote, "I remember Pastor Frank telling me that dealing with cancer was like running a marathon. One must pace himself, trusting the Lord to provide the strength needed for every step. I immediately learned how life was fragile and short." It made me realise also, how much life depends on the Lord. How much we have to rely on Him and how important His strength is to us.
I never got to know Granduncle Daniel well, all I have are these snippets of memories. Like when I was 6 and I went to California to visit him, si yipoh, Jenny and Joy. I remembered him carrying me, and telling me stories, and how I was at ease with him naturally. I remember his trip to Singapore, and us gathering around him listening to his testimony of faith, how he was saved by God. I feel sad for his death, as I'm reading this little book of his. How much love he had for God. I'm sad as I think about how each little words are put together to form this wonderful memory of him, reading it feels like he's still here with us, but then he's not.
I know little about him, but reading these short little testimonials helped me learn more about him, and about life, and about myself. Makes me reflect about the things I have done, and have not. God does indeed work in mysterious ways.
Hahahaha, man am I pensive today. Actually, I think about life everyday. I just took the liberty to take down what goes on in my mind today, for some weird reason. LOL. Yeah. I just went "I need to blog" and I did.
Okaaaaay. Alright. I shall stop! (:
Don't really know why I started a new blog. Well, have been wanting to start a new one since forever, but don't know which site to choose. Tried livejournal but it confused me so much, I thought I should just stick to blogger. Hahaha. Better than my old school diaryland blog. But! Diaryland is good okay! I still like it, but I just wanted some sort of change.
I believe in some ways I have changed too. This morning I just thought how startling it is, to actually be 18 this year. I still feel like I'm 16, like I just had my sweet sixteen. But slowly, I know and I feel myself morphing into someone new, yet still containing these same features that are inside of me. It's scary to think about life and how the world just spins so fast and you're this single being, on this plain ground. And you're moving on, whether you want to or not. I read some of the old stuff I've written in my journal and again it startles me to realise how much I've grown. And.. well yeah.
So lately I have just been thinking alot (no suprise there). I was just reading my late grand uncle's memorial book. All these testimonials and little bits and pieces of memories of him recorded by his relatives.. And there was one of which his daughter (my cousin) Joy, wrote something like, "When something permanent is removed, you realise that it was never permanent to begin with." It made my heart ache.
How sad, and how true. Everything in this world is too fast, too hurrying. When we're just little kids, we only see the world in this magical light.. Like how beautiful this world is, and we're just so willing to trust, and so easily vulnerable to everything that's happening. Growing up is like opening your eyes bigger, expanding your horizons to see more. And the things that you see, you hear and feel is just this overwhelming, accumulating loss. Things you thought were permanent are now nothing but disposable. And you see the ugly in the beauty, the cracks behind the clean white walls, the tiny seams in the curtains.
My other cousin Jenny wrote, "I remember Pastor Frank telling me that dealing with cancer was like running a marathon. One must pace himself, trusting the Lord to provide the strength needed for every step. I immediately learned how life was fragile and short." It made me realise also, how much life depends on the Lord. How much we have to rely on Him and how important His strength is to us.
I never got to know Granduncle Daniel well, all I have are these snippets of memories. Like when I was 6 and I went to California to visit him, si yipoh, Jenny and Joy. I remembered him carrying me, and telling me stories, and how I was at ease with him naturally. I remember his trip to Singapore, and us gathering around him listening to his testimony of faith, how he was saved by God. I feel sad for his death, as I'm reading this little book of his. How much love he had for God. I'm sad as I think about how each little words are put together to form this wonderful memory of him, reading it feels like he's still here with us, but then he's not.
I know little about him, but reading these short little testimonials helped me learn more about him, and about life, and about myself. Makes me reflect about the things I have done, and have not. God does indeed work in mysterious ways.
Hahahaha, man am I pensive today. Actually, I think about life everyday. I just took the liberty to take down what goes on in my mind today, for some weird reason. LOL. Yeah. I just went "I need to blog" and I did.
Okaaaaay. Alright. I shall stop! (:
posted by Natasha at
7:34 PM
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